Give it to your wife...
Washing instructions the way men read them;
All you have to do is attach the transmitter to your dog's collar, input its breed and other information into the handheld receiver, and you'll be able to read the furry guy's mind like a book. Well, at least like a mono-colored face on an LCD screen. And for those who just love being judged, the BowLingual will even give you an MBF (Man's Best Friend) Score to grade how good your relationship with your dog is
A mortician was working late one night. He was examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, when he made a startling discovery: Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented. "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
A Swiss freighter carrying tapioca nearly sank when a fire slowly cooked the cargo:
The biggest tapioca pudding in the world is cooking in the hold of a fire-swept Swiss freighter and threatening to split the vessel at its seams.
"It's like a huge tapioca time bomb," said an incredulous fire chief today as he watched the smoldering 12,165-ton Cassarate at the Cardiff docks.
Fireman earlier controlled the fire which started in timber stacked in the upper holds 25 days ago at sea. The crew kept the smoldering timber dampened until the ship docked here late [on September 12].
But the water from the Cardiff hoses seeped down to the lower holds where 1,500 tons of tapioca from Thailand were stored.
The water swelled the tapioca and the heat from the flames started to cook the sticky mess.
The swelling tapioca — enough to serve a million plates — could buckle the ship's steel plates, fire chiefs warned.
"It's got to burst somewhere," one said. "It will take dockers a couple of days to clear the smoldering lumber before we can reach the tapioca."
NASA spokeswoman Kelly Humphries initially told CNN: "The situation is stable. The crew was asked to put on some protective gear." He said the odour was "not normal".
Later Mike Suffredini, manager of the space station program, said: "It's an irritant, not a life-threatening material."
"All readings well below anything that we would be worried about," he added.
The stench first appeared at 6.23am Houston time. The source is still unknown.
Mrs Li from Hohhot, the capital of Chinese Inner Mongolia, admitted her dog was "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive". Accordingly, she decided it was a bright idea to "let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake" - with inevitable results.
As in; the most exaggerated way over the top, waste of money, swiss army knife:
It weighs 1kg, costs $1.200 and is only made on order but at least you get a lot of tools:
1. 2.5” 60% Serrated locking blade
2. Nail file, nail cleaner
4. Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
5. Removable screwdriver bit adapter
6. 2.5” Blade for Official World Scout Knife
7. Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
8. Removable screwdriver bit holder
9. Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
10. Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
11. Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
12. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5 mm x 3.5 mm
13. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6 mm x 4.0 mm
14. Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0 mm x 6.5 mm
15. Magnetized recessed bit holder
16. Double-cut wood saw with ruler (inch & cm)
17. Bike chain rivet setter, removable 5m allen wrench, screwdriver for slotted and Phillips head screws
18. Removable tool for adjusting bike spokes, 10m hexagonal key for nuts
19. Removable 4mm curved allen wrench with Phillips head screwdriver
20. Removable 10mm hexagonal key
21. Patented locking Phillips head screwdriver
22. Universal wrench
23. Laser pointer with 300 ft. range
24. 1.65” Clip point utility blade
25. Metal saw, metal file
26. 4 mm allen wrench
27. 2.5” blade
28. Fine metal file with precision screwdriver
29. Double-cut wood saw
30. Cupped cigar cutter with double-honed edges
31. 12/20-Gauge choke tube tool
32. Watch caseback opening tool
33. Snap shackle
34. Telescopic pointer
35. Compass, straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
36. Mineral crystal magnifier with precision screwdriver
37. 2.4” Springless scissors with serrated, self-sharpening design
38. Shortix key
40. Fish scaler, hook disgorger, line guide
41. Micro tool holder
42. Micro tool adapter
43. Micro scraper-straight
45. Fine fork for watch spring bars
46. Pin punch 1.2 mm
47. Pin punch .8 mm
48. Round needle file
49. Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle
50. Removable tool holder
51. Multi-purpose screwdriver
52. Flat Phillips head screwdriver
53. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5 mm x 3.5 mm
54. Spring loaded, locking flat nose nose-pliers with wire cutter
55. Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
56. Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
57. Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
58. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5 mm x 3.5 mm
59. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6 mm x 4.0 mm
60. Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0 mm x 6.5 mm
61. Can opener
62. Phillips head screwdriver
63. 2.5” Clip point blade
64. Golf club face cleaner
65. 2.4” Round tip blade
66. Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, can opener
67. Golf shoe spike wrench
68. Golf divot repair tool
69. Micro straight-curved
70. Special tool holder
71. Phillips head screwdriver 1.5mm
72. Screwdriver 1.2 mm
73. Screwdriver .8 mm
74. Mineral crystal magnifier, fork for watch spring bars, small ruler
75. Removable screwdriver bit holder
76. Magnetized recessed bit holder
77. Tire tread gauge
79. Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, wire stripper
80. Special Key
84. Key ring
85. Second key ring
The unnamed 42-year-old was driving his old Citroen in the Slovak town of Levice when the accident occurred. Police officer Peter Polak told Reuters: "It's very likely he had auto-sex while driving: it is a matter of investigation. After the accident he was found lying in the seat, his pants were off and it [the pump] was placed on his penis."
The man was taken to hospital with "head injuries", the report concludes.
I just cannot bring myself to believe this:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are auctioning a bronze statue of baby Suri's first "contribution" to the world. "A bronzed cast of a baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family."
What on earth do you use a statue like that for? As a paper weight? Nobody will ever convince me that what ends up in a diaper looks good (not to mention the smell).
What can you do when your boss asks you give more than 100% at work?
Assigning one number to each letter in the alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
We get the following:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
One key for working well is "K N O W L E D G E":
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
Good, but not enough. Let's try with some "H A R D W O R K":
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
Still not enough. What about some "A T T I T U D E"?
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
Very good but still not over 100%. Maybe some "B U L L S H I T" helps?
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
Better than doing knowledge, hard work and attitude, but the only way to give more than 100% is by…
"K I S S I N G A S S"
Thanks for the tip Rik