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Training courses now available for women

1.      Silence, the Final Frontier: Where no Woman has gone before.
2.      Parties: Going without new outfits
3.      Man Management: Discover how minor household chores can wait until after the football game.
4.      Communication Skills 1: Tears - The last resort, not the first
5.      Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking
6.      Communication Skills 3: Getting What you Want, Without Nagging
7.      Party Etiquette: Drinking your fair share
8.      Telephone Skills: How to hang up
9.      Introduction to Parking
10.     Introduction to Petrol
11.     Advanced Parking: Reversing into a space
12.     Advanced Petrol: How to take the filler cap off
13.     Water retention: Fact or Fat
14.     Cooking 1: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
15.     Cooking 2: How Not to Inflict Your Diet on other people
16.     PMT: Your Problem...Not His
17.     Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To
18.     Sex - It's for the Married Couple too
19.     Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes you already have
20.     Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence only Women notice

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Hers and his garage

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The Perfect Man and the Perfect Woman

Once upon a time,
  a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect
  wedding. Their life together  was, of course,
  perfect.
 
  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
  couple was driving their perfect car along a
  winding road, when they noticed someone at the
  side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
  couple, they stopped to help.
 
  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of    
  toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on
  the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
  Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
 
  Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
  Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
  and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an
  accident.
 
  Only one of them survived the accident.
  Who was it?
 
       * scroll down for the answer *
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
  really existed in the first place. Everyone knows
  there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
  as a perfect man.
       * Women stop reading here, that is the end of
       the joke. *
       * Men keep scrolling. *
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
  the woman must have been driving. This explains
  why there was a car accident.
  By the way, if you're a woman and you're    
  reading this, this illustrates another point:
  women never listen either.

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Be polite

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Steep hill

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Caution, water on road!

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Shoplifters will...

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How many nationalities can you offend in one joke?

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:

• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman


• 2 French men and 1 French woman


• 2 German men and 1 German woman


• 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman


• 2 English men and 1 English woman


• 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman


• 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman


• 2 American men and 1 American woman


• 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman


• 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman


• 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

• One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


• The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.


• The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.


• The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


• The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


• The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.


• The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.


• The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.


• The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling
  them both 'bloody wankers".


• Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.


• The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any.

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Not my job

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Share the pain

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father.

Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch.

The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent.

Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.

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Men & Women: the difference

A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A succesful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he needs.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't need.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

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Americanized

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China.  They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their  names.
Bu, called himself "Buck."
Chu called himself "Chuck."
Fu decided to return to China.

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How many people?

Count them. Wait 10 seconds and then count them again...

 

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World Toilet Day (November 19)

November 19 is World Toilet Day

The purpose of having this day is to have people in all countries to take action, increase awareness of toilet user’s right to a better toilet environment, and to demand for it from toilet owners. As such, it is also the toilet user’s duty to contribute towards its also the toilet user’s duty to contribute towards its maintenance, cleanliness and hygiene. The public marks the day to practice toilet etiquette, the restroom community-at-large celebrates with a new declaration for the forthcoming year. 

Wonder if you will win this inspiring price if you do a good job of practicing toilet etiquette:

Proud WTO supporters can buy gadgets at the World Toilet Organization store

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A good level of English...

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BREV FRA TRØNDERMOR TIL TRØNDERSØNN

Priceless but impossible to translate to English:

-Kjære guten min.

Æ skriv det hær breve sakte for æ veit at du itj læs så fort.
No bor vi itj der vi bodd før længer, da du dro hjæmmafra. Far din
Læst i avisa at dæm flæste uløkkan skjer i hjæmmet, så vi har fløtta.

Æ kainn dessværre itj seinn dæ nå adræss, fordi dæm som bodd her
før oss tok me sæ veiskilte å husnommre når dem fløtta, så dæm itj
trængt å skift adræsse sjøl.

Huse 'e skikkelig fint. Det e te å me ei vaskemaskin hær. Men æ'
e itj så sikker på om dein fungere helt bra. I forrige uke så hadd æ
oppi nånn klær, trækt i snora - å sia har æ itj sjett dæm.

Det va to låkk på denj, men vi har itj bruk for låkkan på bade
der maskina står, så de eine bruke vi te brødfjøl. Den anjer va det
et stort høl i så det har vi som ramme roindt bilde av 'en beste'far.

Være e fint da. Det regna berre to gang i forrig uka. Første
gangen regna det i tre daga å ainner gangen i fire.

Når det gjeld denj jakka du villa at æ sku seinn dæ, så sa'n
onkel Jonas at deinn villa bli aillt for tung å seinn i posten, mæ
aill knappan på. Så æ kløpt dæm av, å la dæm i innerlomma.

Søstra di fikk nættopp en onge. Æ har itj hørt om det vart gut
eill pi, så æ kainn itj sei om du har vorte onkel eill tante.

Hainn onkel Harry datt oppi ei tønn' me heimbreinnt i forrig veka.
Vi prøvd å dra'n opp, men hainn bærre flira å villa´tj kom
opp. Te slutt drukna'n da. Vi fikk'en kremmert å hainn breinn einda.
Eillers så har det itj skjedd så vældig mytji her...
Klæm fra Mamma

PS Æ skulla ha seinnt dæ nå pæng, men kommfoluitten va aillerede
ijænnklistra.

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Wide smile

Ever wondered what someone that smiles from ear to ear looks like?
Now you know:

From Circus of Horrors

4363.aspx

The latest high tech mobile GPS

4353.aspx

Creative street names

Freak streets has a large datbase of “interesting” street names:

      

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Bad to the bone

4343.aspx

Zeitgeist - The Movie

Zeitgeist is an interesting movie that makes you think about several so called "truths":

Zeitgeist was created as a non-profit filmiac expression to inspire people to start looking at the world from a more critical perspective and to understand that very often things are not what the  population at large think they are. The information in Zeitgeist was established over a year long period  of research and the current Source page on this site lists the basic sources used / referenced.

Soon, an Interactive Transcript will be online with detailed footnotes and links so exact sources and further research can be relayed.

The movie is available on Google Video, and as XVID and full resultion DVD on the downloads page.

4341.aspx

Painful super glue accident

Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf had an unfortunate accident while preparing for one of the acts in his show where he pulls a hoover around by his private parts:

On this occasion, however, "the attachment came loose before a performance so he tried to glue it back on".

The 42-year-old misread the superglue instructions and, having allowed the adhesive a mere 20 seconds to dry rather than the required 20 minutes, duly found himself semi-permanently docked after attempting a premature test.

Via The Register

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IKEA dog

Do you notice anything strange in this image from the IKEA 2007 catalog?

No? Have a look at the close-up of the dog. IKEA claims it is one of the feet of the dog but it looks suspiciously like someone had some fun photshopping the image and replaced the leg with something else...

Via designerblog

4319.aspx

I need more power, Scotty!

You might think the owner of this rubber boat hat some sort of inferiority complex, but you would be wrong.

It is a lean, mean, drug running machine with 2.000 HP. A low profile to avoid radar detection and painted gray/black to make the harder to spot from the sky. Not that being watched caused a problem (until they were finally caught) as the boat outrun everybody else with its top speed of 60 knots (111 km/h)

Via Snopes

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One legged man aims for 100 children

Bored? Why not have some kids:

A one-legged Emirati father of 78 is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015, Emirates Today reported on Monday.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

Via CNN

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Do you feel like working today?

Tomorrow?

Next week?

I just want to party

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The worst movie video games of all time

The worst of the worst is so bad I didn't even know it existed: ET

“ET” isn’t just the worst movie video game of all time. It’s the worst video game of all time period. It’s biggest flaw? What the hell are we supposed to do? You’re Spielberg’s loveable little alien thrown into this badly-pixelated world and there’s no discernable goal or purpose.

...

This game is so bad that it’s spawned an urban legend about a mysterious landfill created just to bury the leftover unsold Atari cartridges. That’s an appropriate way to dispose of s*$&.

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Stupid computer users

I do not know how many mails I have received about stupid computer users that use the CD tray as a cup holder etc. I have usually dismissed them as to stupid to be true, but I have to reconsider after someone took pictures to document the worst cases:

I used to work in the service department in a retail store of a very famous computer company (think cows...). During this time, I was able to observe (and preserve for posterity) the aftereffects of the - shall we say - "technology challenged" folks. My friends and relatives couldn't believe the stories I told - thus this collection of photos.

Priceless :-)

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The latest in office safety

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Men are like a deck of playing cards...

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Holey tattoo

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Spotted in France

I understood that the French were a bit different when I saw the Psycho Infants. But I had no idea they were this different:

I had a clear goal when I entered the room but the brush confused me.
Should I use the bowl for washing dishes or something else...

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Psycho Infants!

I spotted this magazine in a newsstand in France:

Beware of the Psycho Infants!

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Are you thinking what I am thinking?

Via [Linkinn]

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Viagra against jet lag???

Viagra reduces the effect of jet lag in hamsters:

The "little blue pill" given to treat impotence might also help people overcome jet lag faster, a new study in rodents suggests.

Hamsters that received small doses of sildenafil, sold under the name Viagra, adjusted more quickly to laboratory simulations of a six-hour time-zone change than animals in the control group.

The researchers found that a single dose of sildenafil helped the animals adapt up to 50% faster than usual.

Via The Raw Feed

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Split zipper tongue

This is a fake:

But, believe it or not, the split tongue is for real:

More info and examples of ways to hurt your tongue at Piel.

Via Urban Legends

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USB to the rescue when it gets too warm "down below"

Yet another use for USB. A gadget that cools the part of your body that air conditioning does not normally reach when you are working…

 

More information on the Universal Serious Butt cooler here.

/

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How would you answer the phone...

How would you answer the phone if you worked here?

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A Real Mouse

Tired of the standard mouse?

Why not make your own Mouse Mouse and stand out from the crowd:

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Americans are not stupid

Priceless: Americans are not stupid (with sub titles):

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Love is...

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Smile

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Temporary Insanity II

A fitting name for the boat:

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Prodi: Viva la finanizaria

The new Prodi government has been discussing fighting about their finance policy for months. After months of fighting, the looser is… you and me.

Viva la finanizaria covers the situation pretty well (make sure your audio is on):

Viva la finanziaria
viva la finanziaria
per mi per mi
ti do il colpo di grazia
è il colpo di grazia agli italiani
arriva e arriva
quando arriva e arriva colpisce te
colpisce te non colpisce me
sono io l'uomo nero
porto via per davvero i tuoi capital
i tuoi capital i tuoi capital
paga paga paga paga paga pà la finanziaria
è tutta qua!

I already face 100+ euro extra in taxes per month. It will probably be twice that much after this month when the local regional taxes kick in as well :-(

It is at times like this that I wish I had the right to vote in Italy
P.S. More fun to help you look at the bright side of life @ R101

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Google or Googe doodle?

Google uses this doodle today in honor of Valentine's day:

Eh? Googe? Or is the strawberry supposed to make a small green L?

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Iditarod or Idiotarods?

Iditarod I can understand, but only in America do they practice the sport(?) of idiotarods:

3517.aspx

Moving half a town...

Only the Swedes could think of something like this…

Moving the town piece by piece:

Some buildings will be torn down and rebuilt. Others -- including a historic wooden church once voted Sweden's most beautiful building -- will be taken down piece by piece and reassembled in their new locale.

Why? To get more iron out of the ground:

The Arctic town of Kiruna, Sweden's northernmost municipality, is under threat as cracks caused by decades of iron ore mining slowly erode its foundations.

So two years ago the municipal council decided to move more than half of the town from the shadow of Kiirunavaara mountain, site of the world's largest underground mine.

This month it chose the new site for Kiruna's centre, at the base of Luossavaara mountain, about 4 km (2.5 miles) away.

The town's deputy mayor puts the cost of moving the buildings at about 30 billion Swedish crowns ($4.28 billion), not including rerouting the railway and roads.

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Flight school

Something you do not want to see next to a flight school:

The pilot was the only person on board, and he survived. His injuries were minor with a cut in his head. He was released at the scene.

Investigators said the pilot was practicing take-offs and landings around 5 p.m., Thursday. When he came in for another landing, he lost power. The pilot tried to restart the engine and it failed, causing it to crash into the tree. 

The crash caused the power to go out for about 100 homes in the area.

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Germans 0 - Moles 1

No picture in this post, as I leave it to your imagination:

A retired German construction foreman who tried to electrocute moles in the garden of his weekend house ended up frying himself, Reuters reports.

The unnamed 63-year-old was found dead in said garden in Zingst. His body lay next to "a 380 volt cable and metal spikes rammed into the ground", according to police spokesman Uwe Werner.

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Sportka - the spotless car

I saw the Sportka bird advertisement on TV a while back, but the cat video is new to me...

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Bad timing for Santa...

(I do not discuss the principle, I only say that this is not the moment!)

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Sidney or Sydney?

Sometimes one letter can make a lot of difference as this tourist found out while traveling to Sydney Sidney:

Dressed for the Australian summer in T-shirt and shorts, Tobi Gutt left Germany on Saturday for a four-week holiday.
...
Gutt's airline ticket routed him via the U.S. city of Portland, Oregon, to Billings, Montana. Only as he was about to board a commuter flight to Sidney -- an oil town of about 5,000 people -- did he realize his mistake.

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USB ash tray

It looks kind of harmless closed

but it is yet another crap USB gadget for a crap habbit, smoking:

Via The Register